If there is one message I could impress upon NICU dads this Father’s Day it is this:
Your family needs you.
I know, I probably should have gone with something a little more Hallmark-ish, huh? It is unavoidable..
Your family needs you.
I think back to the first moment that I saw my tiny little daughter. At the time I didn’t even know she was a daughter. The doctor quickly whisked her across the operating room, and she disappeared into a swarm of doctors and nurses. After the dust settled they took her down to the NICU, and that was when I first got to look at her… to really look at her. It became immediately obvious that this little girl needed her daddy. She is five now and she absolutely loves pink, princesses, unicorns, flowers, rainbows, butterflies and… her daddy. It seems she is learning a million new things a day. She’s learning about reading, writing and all that school stuff. But she is also learning a lot they don’t teach in schools. She’s learning what it feels like when her best friend is mean to her. She’s learning how to throw a ball, and how to help dad in the yard. I am learning that she needs me now just as much as she needed me then.
Thinking back even further I remember the days before my daughter was born. I remember a week of back and forth with the nurses and hospital staff: A week of calm, serious, and rational discussions about whether or not to go back to the hospital. A week of attempting to comfort and reassure my wife as she sobbed, and talked about what they said this time before sending her home. After all that, I remember my wife, 28 weeks pregnant and me (not pregnant) finally at the doctor’s office. I remember the doctor saying “We’ve got some serious labor issues here.” It became immediately obvious that she needed her husband. As the days and weeks went on we entered a whole new world, the NICU world, and we did it together. Our kids are far from grown, but in some ways the NICU already seem like a distant memory. It turns out, the struggles of life after the NICU are no piece of cake either. I watch my wife trying to balance countless priorities, always willing to wear herself out for the sake of her family. There is no reason for me to stand by and watch. She needs me now just as much as she needed me when we had a little baby in the NICU.
Three years later it happened again. This time it was a boy, born at 25 weeks gestation. And this time we knew what we were getting into. I remember sobbing with my wife after he was born, precisely because we knew he needed us. And we knew it wouldn’t be easy. If I think back to just yesterday… I got a rare afternoon with just my son, now two. He, of course, followed me around wanting to help with everything I did. So we did some yard work together. We did some weeding… he almost hit me in the face with a hoe… he was a great help. At the end of a great day of father son bonding, just when I thought we couldn’t bond any more… he cried for his mommy to put him to bed instead of me. I will take that in stride because he was just letting us know… I need both of you.
I want to close with some words from a Sanctus Real song, “Lead me.” As a father and a husband, I take it as a call to arms. I hope that you would too because whether your kids are grown, you have a brand new baby still in the hospital, or somewhere in between…
Your family needs you.
Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can’t
Don’t leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams… but what about us?
Show me you’re willing to fight
That I’m still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone
Ben Gramkow lives in Olathe, Kansas and is the proud Father of Ellie and Beckett, both born prematurely.